I'm addicted to your lies.
They keep me living life.
And when our last day comes,
I can finally cry.
I never gave up hope.
I ignored the tears from my eyes,
you never really knew that though.
That's why I will die.
I proved myself wrong.
Thought I was so strong.
Thought that we would last so long.
I still cry when I hear our song.
I await the final day.
When my love will run away.
When my last breath fades,
I can let go of the hate.
It's so hard!
To let the stupid memories go.
It takes so much,
to not let my feelings show.
But I cant do this anymore,
I have to let him go,
Maybe he'll figure it out on his own.
It's just another lie.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This is a really good poem, but it would be much better if your rhyme sceme had a pattern.
OK so I changed it to where innocent little 12 year olds won't get so worked up. (By the way it was rated R)
Ummm, the "f-bomb" was used so much b/c it was clearly portraying the anger. If it didn't have those words in it, everyone would just critique it as another emo poem.
So. First of all, this needs to be rated R because of language. Any time you use the f-word, no matter the poem or story's subject and content, you have to rate it as R so that little innocent twelve-year-old girls such as myself don't open it and read it, only to find the f-bomb on the first line.
Okay? ^^ I'll review this anyway, though.
So, the last two lines here don't really make much sense. The rhythm is off (both lines need more syllables to match the first two) and the rhyme is a bit imperfect, too, but that's okay. Mainly, I'm concerned about the fact that we don't know which 'day' you're talking about coming. Why will she suddenly be able to cry? Is that a good thing?
Okay. Do you even want me to take this seriously? I'm trying to remain polite and courteous, but it's obvious that this poem wasn't written to obtain any literary excellence. You wrote this for yourself, to let out emotions, which is (of course!) perfectly fine and wonderful, even. But if you're going to post something on YWS to be critiqued and taken seriously, it means you want it to be improved. I can't see how you want to improve this any more than to add more profanity.
I don't mean to be rude, and please don't misunderstand me, but I am going to tell you that I don't think this is the kind of poetry you need to be submitting to YWS.
Anyway, same thing here with the rhythm. It's AAAA, whereas the first was AABB. Keep consistant with your rhyming scheme, or else it sound messy and thrown together.
Here. you've strayed completely from whatever rhyming scheme you had previously established. It's more like an ABCD form, which is great, but not so great when used with an AAAA and AABB form all in the same poem. You need to choose one format, and stick to it, otherwise each stanza will seem like an entirely different, unconnected poem without an coherency.
This is good. *nods encouragingly* For one, it doesn't include excessive swearing. But, even better, it does include some emotion and more of a storyline. I can't really understand what's going on so far, but these three lines make some amount of sense. Strive for something more like this, where you don't have such strict rules of rhythm and rhyme to have to live up to. Otherwise, you'll let the rules engulf and rule your poetry without the words flowing freely.
I hate to say it, but these last lines are the only line that I enjoyed in the entire poem. It's a great way to end this, in all of its fury. So. Try to balance tjis lovely simplicity with some more eloquent, flowing phrases and imagery.
Please, something besides the f-word every three lines.
To be honest, this is more prose or even lyrics than it is poetry. It just doens't fit the poetry-vibe.
I can understand when anger influences a writing, but that shouldn't mean that the anger practically is drapped over the whole thing, in such a way that it smothers the reader in it and makes it difficult to keep reading. It's not that I don't utilize such a strategy; but in this case, being as straight-forward as you were did not come across very well here. It just makes the poem sound amatuerish, if I may be allowed to get away with saying such a thing.
Next time, channel your anger; don't let it throw you completely off like it did here. If that's going to be the case, then you'd certainly would be better off writing a short story or something like that where this kind of smothering is more agreeable to being read.
Don't let this upset you; i'm only give you advice that has helped me out. The piece would be fine if it was written around a few metaphors or imagery, but nothing like that was used here. Just think about that from here on out.